chipmunkey!

-post deleted-

i guess this will be goodbye .

many people find blogging as a platform not to show how they feel, but simply to flaunt to the rest of the world what an incredible life they lead . talk about outings, post selca pics, write in pastel colored font- whatever floats your boat . as long as you’re happy, who gives?

i just wasnt quite that type until lately, when i totally quit being that type .

god knows why i have a penchant for writing . isnt it great to speak and be heard? for me, writing has been something that has been growing on me . words, just like fate, aren’t carved on stone and i like how through words, i could make myself sound nice, evil, bitchy, compassionate, pityful, angry etc . it’s my thought, my memories- both of which are mine to keep . it’s just quite a pity that through blogging, people judge me as a person based the thoughts i have, which are most of the time, the thoughts most girls have in their minds but daren’t say it out (dont quote me on this tho) . it has arrived to a point where i feel threatened, instead of relieved, writing behind a computer screen .

i always find fitting in something incredibly hard to do . to many i appear to be the social butterly but to myself, i always feel like i am an introvert in my own world . this is one of those ‘two sides to a coin’ kinda thing so it’s up to you how you wanna see it . this isnt something i would’ve admitted but here’s the truth- my mind has a life of its own everytime i am alone . i need distraction . i need people around me . everytime i cant sleep, i start thinking of things . not so pleasant things, that i can tell you . the comfort when around friends, however short lived it is, is still comfort . at least i have someone to talk to, something to occupy my mind . i’m an insecure person, in all probability the most insecure girl you’ll ever meet if only you can look past my exterior . i am uncomfortably with alot of things when it comes to myself .

i need constant reassurance to feel human . this may be taxing and i learned it the hard way . i realized that the friendship package only buys me a one way ticket to happiness- when you laugh and smile and have fun, they’re there for you but when you’re down, those are the people who run from you without any hesitance . i can always change who i am today and tomorrow but i can never change who i’ve been . i’ve learned that doubt comes before trust . i cant help but feel like i am always taken for granted . everyone does things behind my back and say sorry later on . this isnt the first time .

if you think your actions are so fucking justified, then dont apologize . it’s an informed choice . from the beginning, you know the damages and if you wanna go on with it, fine, go ahead, all the best .

it’s just scary how poeple whom you think have your back, turn theirs on you just when you were looking away . there are just too many people whom i once trusted, fell out with and eventually made up after some time . problem is this- that happens over and over again, not just once . time and time again, we fight and break up only to kiss and make up . i’ve learned to be smarter . this isnt about what feels right- if it is, i would have ran back to the people i needed to walk away from even long ago- this is about what is right . i dont want to get from ‘taken for granted’ to, ‘you asked for it’, you get what i mean?

you know, there’s a friend whom i really trusted and when i was going through some stuff, i talked to him about it . at a point, i felt so comforted to know that he, of all people, still thinks of me as a friend instead of a pet or something . he of all people, was there for me to advise me and msg me to see if i was alright . but that, just like everything else, was foolish hope . ended up it was all a lie . ‘oh i wanna see how you all bitchfight ^__^’ . do you really think it’s so funny? thanks .

at this point i am too tired to write anymore so yeah, point is, this is it . goodbye . i dont think i’ll blog here again . maybe i’ll create another blog soon, you know…’to show the world my fabulous life’ or some fabulous shit like that . write in pink fonts and all . maybe that would be nice . maybe …. (;

you know what? i am quite in the mood to write . in fact, i’m quite in the mood to rant, run down mr wong with a tractor and perhaps set his whole family ablaze too .

if the guy up there thinks it’s funny to throw lemons my direction, fine, it shall be that way then. but it doesnt mean i am not gonna put up a fight wtf . how else will i deserve the ‘I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.’ or some shit quote like that on my obituary right!!!! so many people have it nowadays WTF .

but right now, just as much as he reserves his rights to be the mean bitch he is, i reserve mine to be pissed of. as pissed as a cow wtf .

i’ve never been and never will be the type who cares much about class positions . i mean, good to know where i stand but that’s that . maybe it’s partially because my parents dont really care about position; what’s important is the grades, not the position, right? to hell with copying and whatnots, if you can get away scot free, fine, go ahead by all means . for all the precaution and intelligence you have when it comes to being sneaky, i believe you DO deserve the extra few marks you get out of such dishonesty . the world is round so do whatever the hell you want .

but my problem goes way beyond that .

my history deserves a humble 81/85 (sorry cant remember) . i studied my ass off 3 days before the exams- 6 fucken chapters . quite a feat okay wtf . so naturally, my hard work, if not my intelligence (chewah), DESERVES 81/85 . WHY THE HELL SHOULD I SETTLE FOR 63?! YOU TELL ME .

apparently, the stupid omr scanning machine decided to play a trick on me and gave me 63 . and one more thing that’s very apparent is that i am the only one, among the great sea of 130+ students in the form, whom the omr machine seems to have a grudge against . and so i told mr wong my problem lah right i study so hard dont tell me i get 63 lor . for a paper with 60 question, 20 marks IS ALOT OF MISTAKE . i’m too lazy to count but yeah, you get my point .

i pointed out to him that the answers i marked in my omr form is exactly the same to those i’ve ticked on my question paper and he said ‘he’ll see what he can do about it’. what do you mean by see what you can do about it? machine makes mistakes- it’s MAN who should amend them . do i look like i have screws for brains? no . so why the hell cant you mark the paper manually and change the marks WTF . i shall quote him again, ’sorry but i talked to nazli you are the only student with such a problem and you know…you should concentrate on pmr ah you know what i mean?’.

fuck this shit wong peng soon i hope you google your name and land yourself here . leave me a comment if you ever do .

this is UNJUST OKAY . from what i’ve heard, he has the cheeks to add THIRTY WHOPPING MARKS to those who get liek 20% just to make them pass . diu if like that no need study lor right . just fail it and gimme 30 marks WTF . and now he has the cheeks to suggest that i am not getting the grades i deserve because the omr machine was faulty, which was probably HIS fault anyways?

tell me why the fuck am i paying the price for YOUR negligence .

but seriously i dunno why am i the only one with a problem like that! i studied for history! I LOVE HISTORY! all of a sudden, i feel like the teachers are implying that i might have cheated . wtf sorry but once again, whichever theory you choose to hold firm, i am God when it comes to matter concerning me . i will argue until i get the right marks . i will declare war if i dont . now it’s not about the marks baby, it’s about ME having to go through a manhole and back for the mistakes of others! HOW CAN !

oh and 20 marks….shall pull down my already low percentage by alot . thanks . -_-

i want things to be like before . i want to laugh until my stomach hurts . i want to eat a damn chicken mcdeluxe . i want us to talk about little things like ‘what will you do if you get pregnant now’ again, like before . i want to quit studying maths and geography . i want her dead . i want us to converse like intelligent humans with a brain to think and a heart to feel . i want to finish reading my impossibly huge collection of books that i buy but never had the time to read . i want enough love to warm my soul. i want alot of things i do not deserve . i want the glow of happiness i used to radiate . i want to be better than all of you . i want to write a book . i want you to realize that never again will i initiate the first move . i want the whole world to know that i have a very bad temper when provoked and it’s hard holding it in for so long already . i want company because every time i am alone, my mind wanders off and i am left insecure and angry at myself again . i want to be awake when everyone is awake and sleep when everyone is sleeping . i want to meet brian joo . i want a earphone permanently stuck to my ear to block out the world and hopefully, in time, erase all the bitterness i brought upon myself .
i want brian joo to google his name and land himself here . i want to be strong both inside out . i want to eat dark chocolates . i want all the money in the world to keep me happy . i want her to fall off a pedestrian bridge and break her hot-air-balloon-ego along with her nose .

i want to have a kinder heart so that i wont say things like that . i want to be the bigger person by not giving a fuck that nobody gives a fuck about how the fuck i feel .

but you cant always get what you want, or can you?

a photograph never grows old . you and i change, the world changes but a photograph always remains the same . i see the us that i remember . i see the us that’s etched to the wall of my brains, forever and for always . i see the smile on my face that you wiped off . but as people live on, it’s natural that we change and for that, i thank the photographs for reminding me of our had beens . i thank it for being the only thing that has been kind to me in a long, long time .

Sometimes rain comes and even chilling winds blow by
Even when such difficult trials come you remain firm in that same place
Jealous of you, I tried to become like you
-Eru ;Mannequin

do you know how it feels like to pretend like it doesnt hurt when all you are is a bottle filled to the rim, ready to spill out?

i dont need any of your sympathy. am i that pityful? LOL.

i guess now you all are as important to me as much as i am to you- nothing at all.

i hate people who pity me. i pity myself enough i dont need to appear weak or vulnerable to anyone. shut the fuck up if you think you know how i feel .

you know what.

when your heart breaks, it makes no sound.

i didnt even know i was crying until i felt the tears on my cheeks.

it seems like everything i do is not enough.

remember when i said my money was lost? well, here’s a continuation .

initially, i planned to buy calvin (my brother lah) a jacket . i check out the price. 231 if i remembered correctly. in the end, i didnt becuase i could no longer afford it. you heard that right? i didnt get him a gift because I couldnt afford it, not becuase i didnt want to. besides, i just felt hollow . how could the money walk?

but i did not accuse him, or ANYONE for that matter, over the loss of the money. I DID NOT imply that it was ANYONE because i admit, it was partially MY FAULT that i didnt like…dig a hole in a garden and burry my money or something. instead, i was stupid enough to put it in my drawer. yeah, i probably should have dug a 6 feet deep hole and hide my money there. and therefore, i was and am in no position to blame anyone for the loss of it. especially when they are my family members. 70 bucks is nothing. its not the money that mattered to me. it was the fact that i couldnt even put MY thing in MY house without anyone touching it that bothered me.i didnt even wanna find out who or what took it.

and all of a sudden, she said it right in my face that ‘it was as if she didnt know that i had other intentions for wanting to get him a jacket’.

i didnt understand what she meant literally .

but it hit me hard anyway.

but it didnt make the statement any less painful. i swear my intention to get him a gift, however unfortunate it is that it didnt happen, was sincere. no words could describe how utterly shocked and disappointed i feel for someone who kononya is my family member to say something like that. for the first time in my life, the tears just rolled down without me even feeling it sting my eyes. i kept wiping the droplets, only to realize 3 seconds later that another one was there. and funny thing was that i felt no emotion.no expression, no feeling, no nothing. i just felt…numb? if that’s the word.

this totally done it. for all the time i tolerated, this totally done it.

fuck this shit. no longer am i gonna go the extra length to actually treat people better. why should i anyway? everytime i make an attempt to, people see it as something i owe to them.

am i really not good enough in your eyes? was everything i did not enough? all you know how to say is that i changed. but look at you. look at the things you say. look at the things you have the heart to say.

it’s beyond me how i could possibly address this feeling in words. sorry for the money i lost. sorry for not getting calvin a gift. sorry for not even wanting to wish him happy birthday (his bday’s today.). sorry for all the ‘malicious intentions i had behind getting him a gift’. sorry for not being the perfect daughter.

i no longer know what to feel anymore .

it seems like there’s nobody to trust….even in my own house .

i dont wanna point fingers . i wanna let this past . but i cant help but feel slightly disappointed . money doesnt have wings .  it doesnt fly on its own accord .

once again, i am not making a point here to who is responsible . i just feel disappointed . that’s all . either it’s my fault (which i highly doubt because i remembered having put my money THERE and not having moved it)

maybe it’s true that it’s all these little temptations behind a man’s fall .

outside home, things havent been going fine, i admit that . do you think have no eyes to see and no ears to hear? i know who is my friend and who isn’t . when we confront you, you DARE accuse us of accusing you . of slandering your good name . you think i cant hear what you say ?

such is human deceit . dont say things you NEVER can admit . dont try to be someone whose shoes you didnt and will never be able to fill .  if you asked me why we dislike you, i’ll tell you . i will tell you everything you need to know .

am i dirt to you? are you dirt to me? yes . before, no . now, yes . and i am not sure if i am addressing two similar person here . so similar you two must have been seperated at birth .

as for the previous post, i password protected it . why?

i dont know .  those who wanna read it, ask for the pass . if you know me enough, you can even GUESS the pass .

i’ve posted it long enough for those who wanna read to read it . i might make it public again soon . it’s just tht…i cant believe tht i still have readers? WTF are you guys even doing reading an almost dead blog lol .

thanks anyways .

SEEE .

I FOUND ANOTHER REASON TO LAUGH .

Yo why is Fanny’s left hand have a glove on it and right dosnt? is it like his special whack-it hand? cuz i no mine is my right..

HAHHA ONE OF THE COMMENTS FOUND IN FTTS VID IN YOUTUBE .

to which someone kindly replied…

LOL
well apparently, if you use your non-dominant hand, it feels like someone else doing it for you…

fml . there’s too many morons in youtube wtf . HAHHAHAH . AND THEN ANOTHER ONE WHICH MADE ME GIGGLE LIKE MADDDD .

I feel as if HwanHee gets a lil crazy with his UWAHHHOWHHHOWAHHHHS (R&B, yo)

WTF HAHAHAHAHA UWAHHOHWOHWOAHOAHAOHWO -___-’

but seriously hwanhee is AMAZING ok i call that his ANIMAL SCREAM AHAHAHHA i think he just SCREAMS for NO REASON at all wtf just for the sake of it -__-’ . wow alot of passion pfft . putri and i cant stop laughing the other day when we watched it .

lemme share with you one of his UWAHHWHIHWHWAHWHHWHA moments . confirm you love ftts until the day you die wtf . at your deathbed also can imagine his UWHAHOWHOHWOHAO-ing you

sorry too lazy to embed video jsut click on the link ok! which is HERE HERE HERE !

once at 2.46 (a VERY MILD one) and the power one at 2.57

SOUND LIKE ANIMAL ANOT . REALLY SOUND LIKE RIGHT . i swear he must be the love child of a leopard, a lion and tarzan wtf . and maybe add in hulk and mariah carey wtf idunnooooo but it’s damn keng right! SOUND LIKE ANIMAL RIGHT . (beast:wow yum)

omg fml confirm kena attack if any ftts fan sees this . but seriously, i love them ok! REALLY WAN .

ok off to watch more UWAHHWHWUAHIAHWOHOAHWOIAHOAH .